We have been so blessed to have the opportunity to have a very open and close relationship with Leslie, Deacon's birthmother. She came and visited us last April for Deacon's 1st birthday and stayed with us for 4 days. We were not sure when we would see her again, but hoped not too much time would pass until we had another opportunity. Well....she is coming to visit again (arriving Feb. 3), but she is not coming alone...... Bruce, Deacon's birthfather, will be staying with us too!! We are so excited about this amazing opportunity and are excited to see what God has in store.
We are very open with our boys about the miracle of adoption and the fact that that is how they were placed into our family. We always refer to our boys' birthmothers as their 'tummy mommies' and say Mama Leslie, Mama Jo and of course they can only understand so much now, but as time goes on, they will understand more and more. One of our prayers with their visit is that Deacon will feel that natural bond that he shares with them. Obviously he will not have the attachment that he has with us, but that biologic and emotional connection which creates a bond. It was Leslie who carried him for 9 months, it was their voices that he heard for 9 months, it was Bruce's cooking that he enjoyed for 9 months:) (Bruce loves to cook!), and it is their genetic make-up in which he was 'fearfully and wonderfully made'.
So often, it seems so much emphasis is placed on the adoptee and the birthmother, and that the birthfather can be 'forgotten'. But he is just as much a part of it as the birthmother. Those of us involved in the triad of adoption all have our own unique hurts, wonders, feelings. Michael and I will feel forever indebted to Leslie and Bruce for the gift that that they have given us. Even still sometimes I question my 'authenticity' to Deacon, and then I am reminded of my 'realness' by the following story from the book, 20 Things Adopted Children Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew.
"During one conversation, David said, 'Melissa (a friend) says that Marie is my real mom. Is she my real mom?' Kathy's response was quick and direct. 'To the extent that Marie really carried you in her body for nine months, and to the extent that she really went into labor and delivered you, which she did, I would say that what she did was real. She is a real person who did some real things for you. I think of myself as quite real also. I really did change all those diapers, give you all those bottles and baths, rock you and sing to you for hours on end, take you for walks, read stories to you. All that is real too. And it makes me your real mom also. Marie did her part and I am doing my part. We are both real moms to you'."